Are We Free Indeed? How trauma and our sin struggles keep us in captivity.
We are forced to choose: will we be slaves to our sin or slaves to righteousness?
With all of the talk about freedom this week, I’m approaching freedom from another perspective…
I’d like to warn you that some may find this post triggering or challenging. Please know I wrote it out of a place of empathy, love and genuine care for all of us choosing freedom. I have prayed over it, and if it was for you, I have prayed over you, too.
❤️Kelly
Free Indeed - a poem
Freedom
you can’t accept,
grace
you won’t receive.
But it’s free –
and what about that disturbs you the most?
That it’s available, but out of reach -
That it’s available, but you don’t deserve it?
Because sitting in your sin is easier;
It’s the only way you’ve known for so long.
For so long,
it’s held you captive
but you kind of like it,
you kind of need it
Because at least something is holding you.
And because it’s holding you,
You want to honor it
by making choices, over and over
that support its purpose -
‘This one’s for you, captivity.
You’re welcome.’
And in this way,
You need it as much and it needs you.
Captivity has no power
when there is nothing it can hold over you.
So, you choose to be stuck.
Because you know
On the other side of captivity,
is peace,
but peace doesn’t support your story,
and you have a reputation to uphold:
indifference.
Which is better
because indifference doesn’t ask you to do any work.
Peace would.
The hard work…
the work you fear.
Work you aren’t ready to do.
And what about the excuses?
Flowing freely from your tongue
because your heart is full of them.
They affirm your choices.
So, indifference protects you,
Captivity holds you
And the excuses affirm you.
You’ve got all you need;
There’s no place for grace.
There’s nothing to receive.
Free indeed?
No, not for you.
What will freedom cost you?
Nothing -
except all of the lies
that you believe.
Do we even want to be free?
This poem is not about a particular person or experience. I have many friends, family and loved ones who are struggling right now, myself included, with something trying to hold us captive. Unfortunately, for some of us, captivity is winning. If while reading this poem it rubbed you the wrong way, I would encourage you to get curious about it. I have found that when I get that, ‘oh, thank goodness this is not for me, this is not about me’ kind of attitude, yet, I also feel a lil’ defensive, there is likely something in it for me. That discomfort is an opportunity, and leaning into it is where growth happens. That’s when it’s time to get honest with ourselves; that’s where the hard work must be done.
For many of us, we know exactly which captors we need to expose and where to put the work in, but we also know how easy it is to ignore them. Our sin struggles become convenient for us; it’s easier to sit with them than work on getting rid of them. We protect them, coddle them, make excuses along the way for why it’s OK to keep living in them. In that way, they’re comfortable - like an old, familiar friend.
For others, however, it’s not so easy to identify our sin struggles. I was in a season many years ago where I felt spiritually blocked, like God was waiting for me to make a move before I could receive his blessings. I know that’s not how it works now but this is what I believed then. And I didn’t know what was blocking me. I didn’t realize it was tied to a sin-struggle. I was praying fervently, for a long time, for God to reveal something, anything to me. And then one day, it was like those bright shining sun rays bursting through the clouds, like lasers, accompanied by the long-held operatic vibrato note suggesting an ‘ah ha’ moment has arrived: God revealed my sin-struggle! I was able to confront it, move past it, and receive blessings. It didn’t happen smoothly and quickly; I wanted to keep that point short. The focus here is on the fact that when I was ready and willing, earnestly asking the Lord to reveal my sin to me with a posture of submission, he did, even when I was being held captive, unknowingly.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” – Galatians 5:1
Do Christians have it worse?
Eating disorders, addictions, anger, anxiety, jealousy, infidelity, alcoholism, accumulating stuff or wealth as an idol, continuous discontent…all of these captors are not subject to a particular people-type. We are all affected. However, I have found through ministering to other suffering brothers and sisters in Christ over the years, that many of us suffer more because of our Christianity. On top of our struggle, we add shame with all the ‘shoulds’ that come attached to our struggles. ‘I should be able to overcome this anger because I trust in Jesus, and he keeps my mind in perfect peace.’ (Isaiah 26:3); “I should be able to find contentment in my situation.’ (1 Timothy 6:6); ‘I should put others’ struggles before my own.’ (Philippians 2:3-4) Or perhaps the worst of them all, ‘I should keep this to myself because no one will understand or I’ll be judged and condemned.’ Yikes. You see that extra dose of guilt many of us put on ourselves?
It's time we quit should-ing ourselves. Easier said than done, I know.
“I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned against Me and by which they have transgressed against Me.” – Jeremiah 33:8
Sin-struggles, trauma and frenemies, oh my!
In these next paragraphs, feel free to substitute my trauma, with your sin-struggle if trauma is not your issue.
For me, trauma keeps trying to grip me tightly. It likes to play the soundtrack of defeat and hopelessness on repeat in my mind. I have to work hard to not let it hold me captive, yet as it rears its ugly head, it feels oddly comfortable, familiar, so I find myself sitting with it often. It’s the friend nobody wants; Trauma is the frenemy. Its grip becomes so familiar that when those glorious moments of clarity and recognition of finally having a little margin in life show up, or when the deep breaths of contentment and appreciation for all that is good and beautiful around me appear when they’ve been out of office for so long, they feel foreign. I pause to question, ‘is it OK to be OK right now? Shouldn’t I be worrying about x, or y, or z?’ I mean, wow, the nerve of trauma and its ridiculous power, right? It holds us captive even when our hearts and minds are trying to heal.
“On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” – Matthew 9:12
On the other side of captivity
Lately, I’ve finally experienced more consistent freedom from the power of my captor. I’m able to recognize the frenemy, and like any good friend, listen to what it has to say. But instead of sitting with it and agreeing with it, I choose to move on. I don’t let it take the wheel or hold me down. The once repeated-defeated mantra I told myself over and over again, ‘this is too hard; this is just too much’ that would cripple me, still speaks to me, but it has no power.
This choice we make daily, or for some of us, hourly, reminds me of the words sung by the great Bob Dylan, ‘Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord, but you’re going to have to serve somebody.’
And I know the struggle, the very thing that causes my PTSD, that has caused so much of my trauma, may never go away. It may never change. But through all of the hard work, I have changed. I don’t allow it to affect me like it has in the past.
“Who the son sets free, is free indeed.” – John 8:36
Jesus chose me. And I choose freedom.
Putting tools in your basket
I wish it were always as easy as praying fervently to get to the other side of captivity. For some, it may be, but for me, and many others I know, that wasn’t the case. It takes doing the hard work, and tools. Here are a few of the tools I use from my tool basket:
I use beauty - God’s handwriting1; truth – his Word; and goodness – “all that is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, good, excellent and praise worthy”2 to hold and sustain me through the struggle. I’ve written and spoken before about how these three powerful tools are beautiful examples of his sustaining grace, and they are positive, healthy, and soul-nourishing ones to have in your tool basket. A few examples that fall in these categories that are life-giving to me are poetry, reading, enjoying and journaling about nature and listening to music.
“Beauty Is Not Optional, It Is a Strategy For Survival” - Terry Tempest Williams
Additionally, years ago, I sought the help of a professional therapist. I first began with a trauma therapist who used different modalities3 to address my trauma. We met twice a week when the trauma was at its worst. However, I was being exposed to repeated trauma and lived with 24/7 PTSD. It helped, but not all the way. I needed a multi-faceted approach, much like what I’m suggesting with these tools, here. Since then, I have continued to work with a Christian therapist and it has been so incredibly paramount for me in my healing journey.
Therapy helped me recognize that coming out of captivity is a process that takes time and I needed to lower my expectations that healing should and would happen quickly. I felt like I was doing all of the right things but confused why therapy wasn’t making me feel better, quicker. God had so much more for me right in that spot – in the long suffering. God’s timing is always perfect and purposeful.
Of course, I share with our friends, the church and our small group and they are able to be supportive in many ways, but I never expect that they alone will heal me/us/our family. In fact, there have been times over the years when we’ve shared our trauma experiences openly (because it is small group and that’s where we are safe to share) and we were hurt instead of supported, loved and seen. This can be a slippery slope. I am currently writing an article that I hope to post soon about suffering in small groups to shine light on this very experience.
I lean into my creativity and that helps tremendously. I’ve written before about how my creative practice has evolved through trauma recovery. Where I mostly only painted before, now I’m allowing myself to play more and create in ways that are fun and have no stress. This playfulness has inadvertently opened up for me new creative opportunities along the way, one of them being writing! You never know how God will use your obedience to using healthy coping tools.
A quick note on writing – outside of professional therapy, writing has been the most productive tool to help cope and heal out of all of the tools in my basket. Putting to words the thoughts and hurts and prayers and cries have inadvertently created space in my heart and mind; space that allows more positive things to come in and fill me up. It was truly in my writing that I was able to see that my trials/sin struggles/trauma didn’t happen to me, they happened for me. I saw that God was teaching me so much and growing me right there in the yuck. It’s the reason I began this Substack, to honestly and vulnerably share all of the things the Lord has shown me along my healing journey in hopes that it will bless and encourage others who are on their journey. I don’t want anyone to feel alone. This journey to freedom is not easy but it helps to know we aren’t alone in these dark places.
I also realized one day that I was unintentionally using several hacks to make life easier for us. When trauma feels so overwhelming and all-consuming as it is, it’s easy to welcome anything that will make life a little easier in any area. I’m sharing a few of these in my Friday Five article.
I needed to address sleep. My body has been in a constant state of fight or flight for many years now and because of this, I have many sleeping problems – getting to sleep, staying asleep, and the quality of my sleep is poor. I tried sleep routines, sleep supplements like melatonin, and even did a sleep study. I ultimately needed more help than what any of these were providing so I was prescribed medication. If you aren’t sleeping, even small things can feel monumental; I tend to be super moody when I’m lacking sleep.
There were times when I tried medication to help with my anxiety, but they made me feel worse so I didn’t remain on any. However, medication is yet another one of God’s tools that He created to help us feel better when our minds and bodies are unwell.
I am a huge believer that the things we put in our bodies and minds affect our overall health and wellbeing, so I monitor what I watch, read4, listen to, and expose myself to. I have to set boundaries on social media so I won’t get triggered and start feeling discontent (my sin struggle with trauma) with my circumstances by comparing myself with others. I also want to make sure I’m filling the hours of my day with meaningful work and experiences5 and not wasting time mindlessly scrolling social media or the internet.
Additionally, I get labs done regularly to identify what needs my body has, such as deficiencies or supplementation. I am on a protocol to detox from mold sickness which keeps me taking supplements around the clock. But I also take supplements to address brain and gut health, as well as supplements that help reduce inflammation from my chronic neurological Lyme disease diagnosis. I use a seven-days-a-week pill case and have no shame in that. Our entire family has our own pill cases. Lastly in this category, eating a clean diet helps me feel better, as well, so I monitor what I eat and avoid certain things that I know make me feel yucky.
Lastly, I can’t forget exercise. Exercising has truly been a very tangible support that almost always has instant gratification. Even when it’s extremely hard to get motivated to do it, after it’s over, I always feel better. A program that a friend introduced me to that I have done regularly now for over two years and it has been so incredibly life giving is the Faster Way to Fat Loss. This program focuses on fasting, tracking your meals through their nutritionist-approved meal plans and tracking your water intake, and an exercise/work out plan. I don’t follow their meal plan but I tune in daily to do the work outs and they are quick, usually under 30 minutes, effective and I absolutely adore the team of people who lead the program and work outs. The CEO, Amanda Tress, is always encouraging and quite funny. And, bonus, she’s Christian.
This is my list of tools that have helped me. Please know, I am in no way offering any professional advice here. I am merely sharing my experience and what has helped me along the way.
There is no shame in getting help
If you feel stuck in captivity, please seek help. You are never alone in this and there is always hope. There is absolutely no shame in getting yourself the help you need to address your struggle. On the contrary, it’s the smartest thing you can do. I am always so saddened to hear when friends are struggling and trying to defeat their captor alone. They are either too scared to share the yuck with others because it exposes their sin and they feel they’ll be judged or they are simply too overwhelmed by the weight of trauma or their sin struggle and feel paralyzed to make any move toward anything positive.
Your struggle is not unseen, nor wasted. Jesus has already paid the price for it so you can accept his grace and freedom. There is so much awaiting you on the other side of your captivity. Let your healing journey begin now. And please, get help if you need it.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” – Romans 8:1
Trust the author of your story – choose freedom
My therapist told me today in our session that we are not wired to wake up and have complete trust and faith in something that we can’t see, touch, or hear. It’s an intentional choice we make, over and over again. It takes work and that work does get easier with practice and tools.
We may have to wake up every day and choose - will I be a slave to my sin or a slave to righteousness? It may help to understand the repercussions of each choice: eternal life or death?
“Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
I am using an example from everyday life because of your human limitations. Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 6: 16-23
Mental health IS health
OK, so as cliché as these little sayings are, they are so true: if your heart was unwell, you’d see a heart doctor, so why wouldn’t you see a mind doctor if your mind is unwell? Below are some resources available online for finding help.
I have also, many times, called our insurance company and asked to speak with a member services representative who helps locate a provider who is in network. Many major insurance companies will do the work for you by researching who is available at the time of your need. You just need to call and set up the appointment.
Sometimes, our journey to freedom is simply made by taking one small, faithful step after another.
Find a Christian therapist via Psychology Today website
Rated online therapists at verywelllmind.com
Challenging fuel for thought
What are your current sin struggles? Have you shared these with anyone? If not, what is keeping you from sharing them?
Are you willing to do the hard work to be set free from their captivity? If not, what do you have to gain and lose from choosing to remain in them?
What small, faithful step to you need to take right now to move towards freedom?
“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God’s handwriting.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:8
My trauma therapist used progressive counting with me
This is one of the life hacks that I’ll be sharing in my Friday Five. I have been slowly and consistently deleting emails that I no longer with to receive. It has felt very freeing to do this simple task.