I am a mess. I am a masterpiece.
therapy notes in a (voiceover) poem
Therapy notes // 3 October 20241
If we speak it, it comes to be, so
be careful with the things we’re naming.
As we begin to understand others’ motives,
We find empathy instead of blaming.
Holding many emotions at once is tricky,
It often drives our and others’ reactions.
Every moment, then, seems pivotal,
And affects how we form attachments.
Not running from any part of this experience,
While I’m healing is key -
Allowing every sensation to be felt
And noticing where I feel it in my body.
The irony of healing,
Is the active role pain plays;
but Jesus always flips the script,
and this is just another way…
Weakness is power and power is weakness,
Suffering leads to glory,
Rest is prioritized over hustle,
And healing is the product of the pain in our story.
And it never ends, you know,
All the pain in our lives?
The more we learn, the more we find,
Thus we’re healing from something all the time.
I always thought things were fine,
I didn’t realize they were a mess,
And healing can only be found
When we know what we need to address.
Where I lacked trust, I wasn’t safe.
And I’ve brought this with me through life.
How can I trust others with my heart,
If it always felt like a fight?
A fight for the attention I needed,
A fight to be heard and seen,
A fight to finally be understood,
a fight to simply just be me.
Eventually, the fighting stops,
Exhaustion settles in,
And with it come the walls,
keeping others from getting in.
“This makes a lot of sense to me,”
She said, as we connected trust and safety,
And recognizing these players,
I know, on the other side, I’ll be free!
But HOW, I ask, can anyone fully trust another?
When we’ve practiced these things for so long,
How can I let all guard down
And allow surrender to be my song?
In so many small ways I can clearly see
How I’ve allowed fear to drive my life,
And it feels impossible to embrace
Giving up this internal strife.
Walls come down, brick by brick
The way they once were laid.
I can keep saying, things are fine enough,
But WAKE UP, Kelly! There was a price that was paid –
For me to be FREE,
Not to carry all of this weight around,
Little t, big T,
It’s time to put it down.
I’ll be careful not to believe the lie
That a FREE and full life has no pain,
because despite the work of healing,
there are no rainbows without the rain.
It’s true, I don’t know how to get where I need to be,
How I can fully trust another,
But my Creator wants me whole again,
So I can be a better lover –
Lover of my enemies, the least of these,
Lover of Christ himself,
my circumstances when they’re hard to believe, and
lover of myself.
It’s so easy for me to see beauty, God,
You’ve just made me that way.
That part I love, and you’re using to heal me,
and I have a hard time finding the words to say –
thank you for the healing, Lord,
thank you, even, for the pain,
thank you for the breath of life
and eyes to receive beauty again and again.
Thank you for therapy,
Thank you for the hard parts of my story,
I never thought I’d say that while in them,
But that’s giving you the glory.
And that’s all my heart yearns for,
That’s all I want to do,
Is forever give your name the honor
And I’ll spend my whole life thanking you.
A work in progress, I am indeed,
And the work you’re doing in me, I’ll trust.
I’ll take captive any unedifying thoughts,
And surrender my will, I must.
I am a mess.
I am a masterpiece.
I am a work in progress.
I am right where I’m supposed to be.
My ‘therapy notes’ poems are written quickly without too much thought, just a download of what I took away from my sessions with my therapist. I try hard not to analyze it too much before posting because then it feels too complicated. I don’t need complicated right now.