To our best BOTH/AND lives in 2025
Because we will have peace. And we will have trouble.
First, the deep sadness…
in my second poem of 2025. The first one is below, too.
She
She says I hate you.
She says you look stupid today.
She says I will never stop making you feel bad, the way you made me feel.
She says it’s her one goal in life.
She illustrates stories with animals and they all want to kill the mom.
She knows manipulation. And evil. And a hatred so deep it takes over.
She knows a monster who lives inside her. And she can’t keep it quiet around me.
She says she loves me.
She says look at her art. And her hair. And her kindness towards everyone else.
She borrows my sweatshirts. And make-up.
She smiles at me.
She growls at me.
She wants to thrill me.
She wants to kill me.
She’s there and here and I’m nowhere but scared.
She screams aloud and I shake.
She screams in silence and I shake.
She screams for 8 years and I still shake.
She knows everything she’s doing.
She knows nothing she’s doing.
She knows the light.
She knows the dark.
She doesn’t know which one she wants to be. Or,
she has no control.
Both/And
I hope it’s OK to send poems like this out to you, reader. The fact is, my life is filled with moments of deep sadness. A very difficult family situation is my reality and in efforts to live my most authentic, creative life these come out of me from time to time.
Are you familiar with the both/and philosophy / mindset? If not, I’m excited to introduce this concept because it has become an important part of my healing work. If you have, feel free to skip past this next part.
PsychologyToday.com says this of both/and…
The basis of both/and is that multiple things can be true at the same time and that everybody has a right to their experience, regardless of what somebody else is experiencing…
Both/and says that you can and almost certainly will feel more than one thing at a time. You can feel both grateful and resentful of the pressures of parenthood. You can feel both exhilarated by a high-powered position and overwhelmed by the sacrifices that it demands. You can feel both appreciative to stay home with your kids and trapped by its routines. You can both love your career and wish you had more time with family. You can feel both ambitious and content.
Both/and honors the full complicated reality that life presents. When you experience a devastating loss like death, a divorce, a breakup, or a life change, you can feel both grief and relief. You can feel both sadness and gratitude. And overwhelm. And anger. You can feel both devastated by a relationship’s end and confident that ending it was the right decision.
We know our experiences in life and the emotions we have in response to them are not linear or singular, therefore, why would we try to embrace an either / or mindset about our embodied reality?
It seems pretty obvious on the surface, quite logical even. But embracing a both/and mindset is something quite different. For me, it was a very real challenge as I kept showing up to my therapy appointments asking the same question over and over in different ways:
How am I supposed to feel about THIS?
THIS being the awful thing I brought to the session that day. But not forgetting the awful thing I brought to the session the week prior. Or the great thing that also happened earlier that day or the wonderful moment I had yesterday.
There were ALL these emotions and all these things happening…good, bad, ugly, beautiful, wondrous, horrendous things, happening at the same time, all the time. I was having a problem knowing how to feel about all of it. I suppose I thought I needed to choose one and stick with it. Yet, why would I choose to feel elated about some great news I received about a cancer-free friend when my high school friend just died after a two-year battle with colon cancer? Or, even closer to home, how could I celebrate a fabulous, wonderfully sacred art workshop the day before my child ended up in the emergency room? How am I supposed to feel about ALL OF THIS?
Well, I’ll tell you….
Scared. Excited. Lonely. Elated. Overwhelmed. Optimistic. Hopeful. Hurt. Thankful. Sad.
All of them, and at the same time.
Did you know your marvelous body is capable of doing that?
You don’t need to dismiss the pain, or “sweep it under the rug”. You don’t need to bury the elation because it feels inappropriate at the moment when something really sad is also taking precedence.
How you hold this in your body is the next tricky part, which, for me, took a lot of time in therapy to understand and that is where the somatic work I’ve been doing through art and other therapeutic modalities have helped a ton.
Actually, I’m typing this post right after a most traumatic body experience. I wrote a poem. She. It was my somatic release. My body was buzzing, like it usually does, and I sat down and clicked away. I needed time to feel the feelings and I needed a space and place to let them come out.
shining AND hurting
You know what else comes out? Things like yesterday’s post on Instagram, a juxtaposition to the poem I wrote minutes ago. Did you catch it? Well here it is…
And here is what I wrote in case you can’t click through it…
Make them wonder and then tell them, “Jesus changes everything!”
He changes the way you see the world, how you interact with others, how you think, and move, and carry yourself. He changes how you love - yourself, Him, and others. He changes the way you grow to hate the things of the world and, well, that’s actually a difficult place to be when you live in it.
There is so much hate, and division, and inequality, and evil in the world and too often, we carry the weight of all this pain and suffering going on around us.
But the Kingdom of Heaven is upon us. It is here and now and among this world full of sin, evil, greed, jealousy, and destruction.
Where is it? It’s you, it’s me; it’s the body of Christ. We are the light-bearers and we must keep shining our lights to overcome the darkness of the world. Brothers and sisters, do not grow weary when the world does. Do not conform to its ways. Do not hide your lights.
We have a job to do and it won’t look like the rest of the world’s work.
You are making a Kingdom difference. The way you shepherd your personal time makes a difference for the Kingdom. The way you shepherd your family, and give your kids consequences and discipline makes a difference. The way you engage in a conversation with neighbors or the ladies in the PTA or the moms on the bleachers or the grocery bagger makes a difference. The way you spend your time and money makes a difference. The way you speak about others, post on social, the way you serve, and give and love…it all makes a difference.
The way you walk with Jesus is everything because Jesus changes everything. The world can feel like an ominous place at times, but you have a light to shine that will never die out.
Make them wonder what you have (even when your life is hard and painful). Make them wonder why you shine the way you do.
And if they ask, I hope they will, tell them it’s Jesus, cuz Jesus changes everything.
I pray you SHINE ON in 2025!
(the photo: me and my middle, whose name means LIGHT )
See, there is Jesus and light and there is pain and suffering. They can both exist at the same time. All the time.
Yesterday’s post inspired a poem, semi-inspired by a diamante poem, one that grows and diminishes, like the shape of a diamond.
See
See!
Ominous world,
payne’s gray clouds
overshadow earthen vessels by
the minute, reflecting light off
slick calloused layers, head to toes
lanterns, hazy and dim, still luminesce, despite;
the light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness does not
overcome it. Even in
payne’s gray landscapes
we glow.
See!
Life is so beautiful. Life is so hard.1
There is so much pain. And an endless fountain of joy.
People will hurt us. And people will bring so much love and happiness.
We can feel all of this. At the same time.
John 16:33 shows us an example of this:
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
We can have peace and trouble. No, we will have peace. And trouble. We will have both. But there is good news! Jesus has overcome the world, so we can take heart.
So, if you’ve struggled with knowing how to feel about *all the things* maybe this little advice, or reminder, can provide a new way of thinking that might help, like it helped me. Both. And.
Here’s to our best both/and lives in 2025.
Love you all.
Kelly
Kate Bowler writes and talks a lot about both / and in her podcast Everything Happens. Definitely worth a listen!
Kelly, thank you. I spent the day with my husband, who apparently has entered a dementia phase of Parkinson’s or has been having seizures, in the ER. We were released with unanswered questions. This post helped. I feel both/and many things. Grateful ( he went home), frustrated, angry, relieved, tired, etc. I needed to read this, and I’m sure journal entries and poems will seep out of all of these feelings. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing Both/And.
I am so sorry of these painful battles Kelly. You are a special soul and I can see how God is working through you to shine light on His Kingdom. Thanks for sharing this encouragement 💛