When the healing work is as painful as the pain you're healing from
and a raw and vulnerable poem; healing through intuitive creativity; and book recommendations to kickstart your healing journey
First, a poem…
// Heart of Rock and Skin to Shed //
I had them once -
Big feelings and arms stretched out wide;
Wide smile, wide eyes, wide glow;
Wide stage that was all mine.
But over time, there was no space for them,
So I put them in my pocket,
and carried juvenile discernment in my juvenile hands,
and learned to read the crowd, but
can a child determine who has space for them,
or know that rejection shows up as people-pleasing?
Certainly a child can learn to grow tough skin,
from always stuffing down their feelings.
And later on, storms of life came,
Wounds accumulated and opportunities came along,
Unhealthy coping patterns, I did them all,
Fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
But I didn’t understand how I could cry about a wounded animal,
Or a friend’s hard life circumstance,
Or with my child’s big feelings,
But for my own pain, there was no chance.
“You get good at what you practice;
Be careful what you’re practicing.”
These words I say all the time in my home,
I guess I need to practice feeling my own feelings.
It’s why over and over, my therapist asks,
“BUT how does that make you FEEL?”
And over and over, I respond with an explanation,
My left brain’s description of what is real.
Just tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it.
“But Kelly, it’s a move from the head to heart.
It’s logic versus feeling,
And you have to FEEL these parts.”
I ask, “And what do I DO with that info?”
“Nothing. Just FEEL.” She replied,
“It’s not information you’re after,
It’s where these sensations are felt inside.”
“I’ve been bulldozing”, she told me,
Too many times I’ve ‘pulled up my big girl pants’,
She asked, “Has anyone ever been tender,
Has anyone ever given you a chance
To share your tender hurts,
And meet you there in your pain?
You’ve gotten good at dismissing your feelings,
To avoid the discomfort, again and again.
Your view of everything is clouded from wounds,
It’s time to heal and get to know yourself again.
Be present with your body, and know
God is helping you from within.”
Breathe.
Well, I guess this heart I have has become a rock,
And I’ve got thick skin that needs to shed.
I’ve got a map, where I have trekked once alive,
And where parts of me are dead.
Note: this was going to be a poem about the heart rocks and nature finds my boys collect and proudly gift to me, but this poem came out instead.
The work of healing
One of the biggest surprises in all of this ‘healing work’ is discovering wounds I didn’t know I had. Then, discovering the ways I’ve lived my life around them - not even tiptoeing around them, because I didn’t know they were there - just fully living as if they were a part of me, like an appendage.
I knew I had wounds, but I thought they were from more recent trauma in my life. The long-suffering I’ve written about all began from recent trauma. Well, goodness me - can you imagine my surprise when the Lord kept revealing new pieces, new parts that need to be healed, from long ago? Of course you can because all of these wounds are related and it’s just like Jesus to want to restore us wholly. Not only is Jesus our healer, he’s also our revealer.
When you discover how everything you saw, interpreted, did, and said was through the lens of all of your accumulated wounds, you realize how much of your life was not fully lived.
Jesus talks about giving us life to the full1 - ABUNDANCE. I can assure you, a life lived THROUGH your wounds is not what he’s talking about. I’m so glad he loves us so much that he wants us to be healed and doesn’t leave us broken, especially when we may not even realize the places we were broken, to begin with.
In God’s abounding mercy and grace, he is giving me these pieces instead of dumping them all on me at once. Or at the wrong time. Had some of these revelations come a couple of years ago, or even a few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to receive them and they would have gone to waste. God knew. These things take time and cannot be rushed. Plus, each one is hard, and he’s knows that, too. I have the tendency, perhaps like you, to want to do it all at once. Tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. Right now. But Jesus is showing me it doesn’t work that way. One thing at a time.
In times like these, I feel like I have no words to describe how grateful I am that HE IS SOVEREIGN over ALL of these things because I would fail miserably if they were left up to me to figure out. We can trust him to tenderly and compassionately guide our healing work and the timing of it all around when we are ready to truly receive.
But seriously, who knew healing work could be just as painful as the pain you’re healing from? Maybe you did; I guess in some ways, I knew it could be, too, but it doesn’t make it any easier - change is hard.
Realizing, processing, and moving on (healing) from wounds you didn’t even know you had, wounds that have shaped the way you’ve lived your entire life, wounds that have shaped your relationships with people, your spouse, yourself, and even, your relationship with God, is hard.
Grieving for all you lost or never had the chance to have is hard, and it’s also tricky. As I learn more about how attachment styles play a part in this, it can feel dishonoring to gain insight about the ones who loved me and took care of me as a child. I recently attended a mini-retreat/book launch for Summer Joy Gross’s new book, ‘The Emmanuel Promise: Discovering the Security of a Life Held By God’ (sharing below). One of the slides in her presentation had a quote that deeply resonated with me and encouraged interesting conversation in our group.
“It’s sometimes not blame-worthy, or shame-worthy, but it is grief- worthy.” - Maggie Rhine.
One of the attendees at this retreat, added that instead of simply addressing this awareness we gain about our caregivers by saying, “They did the best they could,” we, instead, can acknowledge that what they did was their choice, and their choice did, in fact, hurt us, and after acknowledging that pain, we can choose to forgive and move on.
I haven’t gotten to the place yet where I’m on the other side of this hard work. I’m in the middle of it, with help from my therapist, a family therapist, and several good books that I’m taking (and sharing below) along for the ride. I haven’t experienced the abundance that comes from freedom and victory over awakening the atrophied and dead parts of me, those old wounds that have grown deep and even built hard wires that need to be cut, but I’m working on it and I am seeing all of the glorious beauty of healing along the way.
It’s a slow process. I tell my kids and have to remind myself that we are all works in progress. Praise God for that!
“May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he’ll do it!” - 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
Creativity: an outlet during the healing journey
‘The Stories I Hold’ paper bag series - the mixed media collages, so far, incorporating items from my nature collection, and the poems to accompany them, have been pouring out of me, needing a place to be released. They, too, are just another part of the healing work I’m currently doing. I’m forever grateful the Lord has given me these outlets.
Almost every part of how I’m showing up to my creativity lately has been either led by intuition or by the Holy Spirit. I have a super cool story about a painting recently that deserves its own post. Perhaps that’s to come.
I believe, in some ways, the paper bag symbolizing the vessel in which these stories are held is another piece of the intuition at play here. Paper bags are discarded/recycled/disposable, not permanent. And some stories that have been carried a long time, feel like they are permanently attached, but we can dispose of them.
The 100 Day Project has been another outlet where I’ve allowed my intuition to guide me as I create small collages, with words and 15-second music clips that I’m sharing exclusively on my Instagram stories. It’s been a daily act of showing up to search words through various texts (magazines, books, newspapers) and choosing only the ones that stand out to me, then, finding a piece of music that feels right for it.
I recently placed all of the little collages down together to have an overall look at them and was delighted and a little excited to see that the words and phrases all seem to correspond with this emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on as the Lord is uncovering pieces of my healing puzzle to me. It is a visual diary of what my heart was holding that day. I am already brainstorming what I will do with them when the 100 days is over.
Book recommendations for the healing work
I. ‘The Emmanuel Promise: Discovering the Security of a Life Held by God’ by Summer Joy Gross
This book arrives into the world TODAY (congratulations Summer!!) and it couldn’t possibly be better timing for so many of us who are on our healing journeys, are beginning the process, or who need a place to start. This book is Summer’s labor of love and built on years of research behind attachment styles and how they affect our attachment with our Heavenly Father. I met Summer recently and had the lovely opportunity to spend time with her on two occasions and hear all about it. I can’t wait to dive in. I hope you’ll join me!
“God has been practicing our presence all this time, and before we even know to turn to him, he’s already turned toward us.”
II. ‘Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience’ by Brené Brown
This book is often recommended by therapists and was recommended by our family therapist. The back of the book reads, “In ‘Atlas of the Heart’, Brown takes us on a journey through eighty-seven of the emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human. As she maps the necessary skills and an actionable framework for meaningful connection, she gives us the language and tools to access a universe of new choices and second chances - a universe where we can share and steward the stories of our bravest and most heartbreaking moments with one another in a way that builds connection.”
III. ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown
This one also came recommended by our family therapist and she even had my daughter read it. It covers how perfectionism and people-pleasing rob us from living our lives fully. “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
IV. ‘Unlocking the Heart of the Artist: A Practical Guide to Fulfilling Your Creative Call as an Artist in the Kingdom’ by Matt Tommey.
Last but not least, we have been reading this book in our small group through our creative ministry C3 and it’s definitely part of God’s perfect timing that so much of this book encompasses the hard work I’m doing right now, with a focus on renewing the mind, bashing lies that we’ve held on to for far too long, and healing past wounds so that we can finally come alive into the creative being God designed us to be. This book is incredibly inspiring.
There are too many wonderful passages highlighted in my copy, but I’ll share this one: “Your healing is tied to healthy community and your willingness to get real with people in your life that love you and love God. The degree to which you are willing to share your life - hurts and all - with others in context of safe, loving community is the degree to which you will experience healing in your life.”
The above links are affiliate links, meaning if you click on them and purchase through them, I will earn a small commission and am grateful for it!
What if the masterpiece is the journey?
That phrase (from the collage in the main photo for this post) was one of my The 100 Day Project pieces and it has really stuck with me. Apparently, others too, as one friend shared she needed it for her screen saver. When I stop and meditate on how much our Heavenly Father loves us and wants to restore us so we can have life to the full, and how much he is in the business of turning our ashes into beauty, I cannot help but feel so completely loved, seen, and chosen and give all thanks, praise and glory to God the Father.
This journey - this wild and precious and hard and beautiful, journey - is how we spend the moments of our lives. If we could zoom out, waaaay out, and see ALL of the thousands, maybe even more, pieces working together for it to come together in our finitely understood little worlds, which, perhaps one day in Heaven we may, I feel certain we would fall to our knees in praise, worship, and gratitude for God’s sovereignty, love, and goodness over it all. I believe the masterpiece is the journey. Don’t you?
You’re doing good work, friend, and making beautiful art in the process. 🤍👏🏼🙏🏼 Keep going…
Thank you for so courageously sharing your heart! Your vulnerability is inspirational! I love you so much!